When the first time is not the charm: I held her over the toilet and she didn’t go!

(Please note that the below is a transcription and reads like I talk - please pardon anything that would make sense on the podcast but not here in text. ;) )

You've heard all this amazing stuff about EC, it sounds fantastic, you maybe even read the book, maybe you just got my EC easy start guide…and you're like, okay, I'm going to try this.

You hold your baby over the receptacle and they don't go.

When your first time trying EC is basically an absolute flop, what do you do?

This sounds so perfect, but why isn't it working?

What do you do when the first time is not the charm?

I've heard this so many times, too many times to count:

"Andrea, I held my baby over the toilet and she did not go. What am I doing wrong?"

If this has happened to you, or you fear that it might happen to you if you haven't started yet, I have some solid advice to share today and some tough love (in that little-engine-that-could-kind-of-way, don't give up, persevere, keep trying, etc). 

Why did your baby not pee when you offered?

First, let's talk about why your baby did not pee.

1. You offered at the wrong time

The first reason a baby would not pee the first time held in EC position, even if you think it's the right time, is that it was the wrong time. Basically your baby doesn't need to go that often, or doesn't need to go at the time you offered.

There are two different kinds of timing. There's something called natural timing, which is when your baby, specifically, needs to go. How often do they go throughout the day? This can be pretty standard for some babies.

With a newborn, it's usually about 10, 15 minutes, every 10 to 15 minutes. And they aren't awake for very long. So during the time they're awake, you probably have like two or three pee's and then they go back to sleep. It's not as intense as it sounds, and you don't have to try to get them all.

Now if you're starting with a mobile baby, maybe around six to eight months old, they probably go every 20, 25 minutes.

A 14 month old probably will go every 45 minutes or so.

If you're just guesstimating, actually, I'd like to rewind a little bit. If you've read my book, usually the first time you try EC, it will work because you know baby’s natural timing.

And the other timing I just want to mention is transition times. Aot all babies go at every single transition time, like before or after getting in the high chair, or the car seat, or whatever.

So, wrong time, that's number one. 

2. Baby was uncomfortable

Number two, your baby did not pee because she was uncomfortable. Maybe she didn't like the EC hold you had her in, which means you should probably adjust to the cradled EC hold or doing it a little bit differently.

She could have been uncomfortable in that position or uncomfortable on that seat. If you're not using a potty cozy and you're using a mini potty, that plastic can feel really cold and hard to some babies, especially the younger ones.

Maybe a newborn doesn't want to feel like they're being held over the air, just out in the open. It feels scary and they're uncomfortable. So a top hat potty might be better in that situation with a cozy on it.

Maybe you don't have baby leaning up enough against your chest. So they are too far out and they feel uncomfortable.

3. Baby needed more privacy

So number three, she needed more privacy. Now typically, six, seven month old babies, especially when you get into eight and nine months old - babies actually need privacy. I bet you didn't know this.

I've taught hundreds of thousands of parents how to do EC all over the world, over the last 10 years. And doing this with my own five babies, I've realized it as well. Privacy is something that we humans, as mammals, need and desire as soon as we're mobile, as soon as we're able to get out of this house and away from people and do this where everybody else does it, which would typically, over all of human history, be somewhere outdoors.

Hello: toilets are a pretty new invention!

We seek privacy to do our pee and poop, especially our poop. So, the third reason she didn't go when you offered is that she may have needed more privacy and has no way of telling you that she needs that. In fact, babies don't really ask for privacy, I've noticed, until like 18, 19, 20 months, when they'll say, 'No" and make you get out of the room.

4. No connection between cause and effect

The fourth reason is that he has been in a diaper so long that he does not connect cause and effect. So with a 14 to 18 month old, he’s lived his entire life in a diaper so far. You can imagine that it's a little bit difficult to know what's going on down there anymore. When I feel this pressure, then I release, then this pee or poop comes out.

That cause and effect loop has been disrupted by the diapering, and maybe they don't pee because they don't realize anymore that, Okay, my bladder feels full. I'm going to release, and this stuff it's going to come out.

They just sit there on the potty and they're like, and what do you want me to do?

So, this is where some naked diaper-free time would be helpful to establish that cause and effect and to do it responsibly. Definitely see my book for doing that. 

5. Baby was distracted

And the fifth reason why your baby didn't go when you offered: she was distracted. So, a lot of times when you get into the mobile stages, everything is just in technicolor all of a sudden, and you've got major distractibility factors with everything - trying to nurse, trying to feed.

You get into 12 months and they start walking - major distractibility!

So, distraction could be part of it. And this can be solved just by routine and being consistent. But we'll talk about what to do here in a second.

6. Baby prefers a different receptacle

Number six, he prefers another receptacle. Now, there's no way of knowing this because he can't speak yet, but maybe he wants to go on the big toilet like what he sees mommy and daddy do.

Also, maybe he would rather pee in a top hat potty as a newborn than over the sink or over the toilet where he doesn't feel very secure. There could just be a receptacle change that could solve this.

7. Baby prefers another room or location

And the seventh reason why baby won't go when you offer the first time is that she prefers another room entirely, or another location. Sometimes, especially when we're starting with an 8-10 month old, a 12 month old (and it's fine to start EC at these ages - people do it all the time), there is a very strong awareness of Hey, you guys all go to the bathroom in this room here. So, why are you having me go out in the living room?

Usually, between 12 and 18 months they start to really notice that Hey, I'm not in the right room for this.

They could also prefer to go outside for a little while. It's a nice intermediary for some kids who are just not into the potty inside because of instincts being so strong. So, if you change the location or the room, it can often solve this as well.

So, there are seven, there are so many possibilities, right? What do we do about this?

So, what do we do when the first time it's not the charm?

What we want to do is just rewind. And if you haven't already gotten my book, and you haven't already read the beginning of it, which is how to do EC, I really recommend you do it. The reason is that we need to start at the beginning and keep it simple. These two things will bring you through the entire EC journey, I promise you.

Starting at the beginning means not missing a few certain things that are really essential. I'm going to go over those right now, and I'll go over them rather quickly - you can try to do all of these eight things or some or most of them, and see what you learn. Because EC is all a learning process, right?

1. Do some observation time to learn natural timing

So, number one, do observation to learn natural timing. I'm going to pull up my other podcast title from my list. Okay. We've got episode number 80 and episode 83.5A (this was during a week when I did a lot of podcasts all in a row). So, we've got 80, no signals, no patterns, what to do when observation time yields nothing. And that'll actually tell you how to do it. And then 10 golden rules for observation time - it's a guest post, 83.5A.

Observation time is also covered in my book. It's very easy to do and there's a free observation log you can download here: