Me + EC: A love story. The ups and downs of Nechama’s 7 year relationship with elimination communication
Ah... EC.
You have taken me on quite a journey since we met over 7 years ago when my oldest was just 5 weeks old. It was love at first sight, but little did I know the ups and downs this relationship would bring!
I was enamored at first by its exotic, down-to-earth, primitive yet progressive charm. I was sold on its promise to allow my baby to be a human being from day one, and loved the permission it gave me to treat her respectfully and with an even deeper connection.
Alas, along with parenting comes lots of surprises. And the most striking one of all was my desire to do it all RIGHT! I was in a tizzy of research and aiming for perfection for that perfect little bundle of mine who brought more stress and triggered more worry than I could have ever imagined!
Healthy food! (Getting her to eat it!?)
Enough sunlight? (She’s getting burned!)
A good sleeping schedule. (We’re both crying by now.)
Enough in-arms time. (But I need my freedom back!)
Proper stimulation? (I’m so tired of baby play.)
I couldn’t let go. It all had to be perfect. I found myself in a tornado of post-partum anxiety with a huge dose of perfectionism... and our EC practice was another thing I just had to get right.
I vacillated between my sense of knowing that this is right and natural and simply the healthiest way and my unhealthy desire to show the world that yes, EC is real and possible and ideal and look! Here’s my baby to prove it.
Well, EC rebelled, along with the schedule and the food and the attachment stuff and the massages and everything else I was trying to conquer.
My love affair with EC, however, was not over. I knew deep in my heart that I could, I would, practice EC with trust, intuition, and a relaxed attitude with acceptance of the process and failure.
It took a while, though, and by the time I finished with baby number 2, who was “done” at a whopping 14 months old, I realized that I would need to let go completely. I need to take a little separation without conditions, and let EC find me when I’m ready.
It was excruciating to say good-bye to EC. I was the “lady who trained her babies early”. My kids sported underwear and announced “potty!” at wee ages. And more importantly, my love for EC’s benefits to my children and the planet still meant so much to me.
But in spite of my EC success with my first two, I knew that I was betraying EC by making it about the product, not the process. I knew that the unnecessary tension and hypervigilance that came along with our practice was killing the magic of EC and going against the truest intention of parenthood.
So with baby number three, I unceremoniously let go. He was bundled like the others in his disposables, onesies, and one piece stretchies. Every time I knew “missed” an obvious poop I cringed, wishing I could catch it in the sink and feel that familiar rush of victory, pride and satisfaction. In my heart of hearts I felt relaxed and relieved, though I wouldn’t admit it to anyone.
There’s a saying, “You can’t say yes if you can’t say no”. Well, I made it up, but the gist of it is: if you can’t say no to someone, or live without something, or NOT have something, then your yes is not much of a yes, and your choice to have it is not much of a choice.
Our separation didn’t weaken my love for EC, it simply gave me a chance to choose it again. I waited for the time that I felt no particular rush of excitement to potty my baby, only a connection that I felt with him and a genuine desire to help him put his pee and poo in the right place. He looked at me with those intelligent childish eyes and I could sense his connection to his own body. I suddenly felt my duty as his mother to help him do what he wanted to do and simply guided him in a playful, motherly way.
So at the once painful age of 23 months, I finally potty trained baby number three. And let me tell you, the joys of “ECing” from a flowing joyful place... the MAGIC of it all finally fell into place. This was heart centered EC, truly revolving around my relationship with my toddler and his cute little body, indeed, creating the closeness EC claims to bring.
I’m still in love with EC. I’m still passionate about it. But I don’t need it anymore. I’m free to enjoy it, laugh with its ups, roll with its downs, and gratefully benefit from its natural brilliance.
I’ll never forget the day I found EC.
But even more special was the day it found me.
Thank you so much for sharing this lovely story, Nechama.
Please comment below with something you LOVED from Nechama’s story!
PS - here’s the video version of this episode in case you prefer to YouTube it. ;)
“…the once painful age of 23 months”…Nechama, I laughed so hard!! This is SO true: that “by making it about the product, not the process”, we lose all the joy of EC…and parenting. Good for you for letting go of perfectionism and embracing the journey. And thanks for sharing with us!! P.S. Babe #3 is a “whopping” ;) 25 mos and I still do most of the clothing manipulation. But what an internal relief!
Yes, I’m doing the clothing part too, but this time around every catch is a cause for joy and every miss is just that… a miss, and nothing more. What a relief indeed!
Thank you Nechama for being raw and authentic. I also struggle with perfectionism and I am going to be beginning EC within the next week, so your story is so encouraging And timely. I now will be aware of my attitude towards it and desire to trust the process with the hiccups. Thank you again! ❤️
Good Luck on your journey Stephanie! So important to learn this before you start… but of course you will have to bump through it in your own unique way. It has the power to teach you so much about yourself!
Beautiful! I had this self pressure and desire for perfectionism, too. Until my baby (now 5 months old) hat a sort of diarreha, pooping up to three times an hour and peeing even more. I was forced to stop being perfect because it was plain and simple not possible. Then I took a break because I got too obsessed and stressed. Only pottied the super-easy catches. And voila, it kind of works perfect for the both of us. By using cloth diapers most of the time my heart for the environment also doesn’t have to bleed too much. So baby happy, me happy, world happy :) Thanks for these encouraging and honest, yet beautifully written, words!
Yes Tabita! Happy mommy and baby comes first always… but sometimes we have to learn the hard way!
Gorgeous! Nechama, if you’re interested we have a small Facebook group called “Israel Elimination Communication” intended both for people geographically located in Israel as well as Jews all over the world. Some ec related topics (how to handle diaper-free time when there are sefarim around, judgement-free brit aftercare questions, venting about when kiddo needs a pottytunity when I’ve just done netilat yedaim to say Shema at bedtime) are best discussed with a particular audience. ☺ It’s not a very active group but the more members we have the more valuable it will be! You’re so welcome to join.
Thanks Ziesel Miriam! So nice to meet fellow frum ECers…. I know too few! Thanks for your comment.
Great article Nechama, I am also a complete perfectionist in every way, wanted to mum, work, EC, and have every single aspect perfect. Got very much too far into my own head over the EC and daycare relationship, but was fairly ‘there’ with our girl by 12 months which I felt great about! The next year and a half was a slow and painful decline, and a real mental battle as she went backwards, which turned out to be a gluten and dairy intolerance! But the battle with ‘why is this not perfect anymore’ nearly did me (and my husband) in! Now I have baby number two on the way, and am so torn whether to do EC again or just let it go for a while…..so refreshing hearing your perspective! Thankyou!
I really relate to this dilemma Kristie! I’m so glad my story can help others find balance in their EC practice as well. Best of luck with number 2! Whichever way you go, he or she is lucky to have an EC-aware Mom…
Nechama! Awesome post! Loved it loved it!!
This made me so happy thank you Nechama! I felt bad that I took a break with my daughter but like you said it was so nice to rediscover it once you were in a better place. Since restarting I think it’s so much more fun and less stressful.
That’s great Miriam Batsheva that you were also able to come back to EC with healthier eyes. We’re lucky to be practicing EC… but our children need calm and happy moms more than anything else!
Ooh that was so great!
Omg the letting go and it being about the process not the product, LOVE THAT!!! Ty Nechama!! As always when whats out there seems to be repetitive, your a serious inspiration and always teaching me new things!
I first heard about EC from Nechama when my oldest was about 5 weeks old and he did great with the EC – and was completely diaper free by 24 months old.
With my second, I wanted to do EC and she didn’t go for it – I would pick up on her signals – take her, she would refuse to go, wait until I put a diaper on her and then make – it was a frustrating EC experience, especially because she is almost four and is still in diapers.
With my third, who is now almost five months old – being that he was born when everyone was home from school and at an extremely busy time of year with corona and our holiday of Passover, I said I won’t start with EC. Well one fine day, a couple of months ago – my baby was ready to start and loves it. I mainly focus on catching number two in the sink and he does not enjoy making in his diaper and I feel like I am going with the flow and not having the frustrating experience that I had with my daughter.
That’s great Rivka! You really do have to go with the flow, it makes it a much better experience for everyone. I’m so glad you found that with your little one. xx Andrea
Rivki! I’m so happy to hear your EC update… we all have our unique journey with it but when we find our flow it’s a gift! Thanks for sharing.