Welcome to the Go Diaper Free Podcast, where we're all about helping you stop using diapers as early as birth. I'm your host, Andrea Olson, author and mom of five EC babies. This is episode 37, The poop enigma.
Today, we have a question from one of our listeners, Kate from Eugene, Oregon. And today, I'm sharing another track from an independent artist at the end of this episode. In episode 33, I shared a song about elimination communication, which is the first one I've ever heard of. This is what started this series of ending on a musical note, which we'll be wrapping up soon. Today I'd like to share another song from Aly's album, and I'll play it in full at the end of today's episode. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, and please see the show notes for this episode at godiaperfree.com/37, where you'll see links to everything I mention in today's episode, and a downloadable transcript for those of you who cannot listen to this whole show in its entirety due to adorable little interruptions. However, that said, I will keep it brief so that we can be in and out parents.
All right, now for Kate's question.
“Hi Andrea. My name is Kate and my child is almost 20 months old and she has not pooped in her pants since she was probably six months old. Recently, we went on a vacation and she started pooping in her pants again. Not every time, but more regularly. She's very opposed to potting right now, both pee and poop, but we can usually get her to pee, some of the time. But poops are kind of an enigma to us now because she hasn't pooped in her pants for so long and we don't know what to do. We were hoping for your help. I think that's all the information you need. Thanks so much. I really look forward to hearing your answer. Thanks. Bye.”
Oh, goodness, Kate. Thank you so much for sending in your question. Every time I hear of this happening it makes me super sad because it's so stressful, but I have to say, it also makes me super excited because it's normal, normal, normal and I can help you out of this situation. We're at 20 months and she hasn't pooped in her pants since six months. This is pretty common with EC, when we've got a very, very, very long period of perfection and then something happens. You went on vacation and now she's pooping her pants more regularly, she's also opposed to the potty, pee and poop, but you can get her to pee some of the time. So let's definitely celebrate that you can get her to pee some of the time, but my goodness, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Everybody out there who's going through this kind of thing, I know this can be difficult and you might feel like giving up. However, let's talk about how to get through it.
Events in a young toddler's life can definitely impact EC. You guys, one of the most wonderful things about EC is how much more information we parents can gather about our children through knowing this additional part of their rhythm and nature through doing EC. In teaching others for many years, I've heard many cases of moms who found out that their child has a UTI because of how connected they were in this way, because they're doing EC, they discovered it early. When there's a hiccup in EC, it typically points to something else in the bigger picture. We can have milestones, illness, vacation, a new job, divorce. What is going on, zoom out to the big picture, what is happening that could be affecting your child? In your case, vacation.
Now, coming back from vacation has lot of variables involved that could be causing these misses. Yes, in EC we call them misses, not accidents. First, the travel itself usually alters your child's nap and eating routines, and it also provides a lot of stimulation and change and excitement for them. But also, being away involves all those changes too, being away. So your journey there, and your time away, and your journey back all includes a lot of shifting of routines and lots of stimulation. When you return, everyone's tired and trying to get back into the rhythm of work and house tending and the usual baby stuff, such as naps and play.
All of these things are huge for someone so little. They're not detrimental, they're not life threatening, but they are impactful and they can manifest in sudden misses for some babies and some toddlers. Also, on the flip side though, the contrast of this is that they can manifest in a wrapped up, totally done with EC kind of situation, where you never have to think about the potty ever again because you've gone on a vacation and come back. It really just depends on so much.
Kate, what you're going through is quite normal and I wanted to start by saying that, but now what to do about it. The first thing I want to say is to celebrate the fact that you are still getting some pees sometime. That is great. Next thing I want is for you to take a look at your own vibe. This is some tough love, but also we all do it, I do it. I want you to check in with yourself. Have you totally arrived home from travel? Are you settled in okay? Do you need a breather? Or maybe do you need some help or some more support of some kind, because once you're back everything's a little bit chaotic. Are you on edge because of the poop enigma? Your child's pooping her pants out of nowhere after so many months of not having to deal with the poop at all. I mean, you had six months total period, her whole life. This could possibly make you on edge because of this happening.
So I would bet that you're at least experiencing some of these things. The first step is to calm yourself down. Take a deep breath, notice when these emotions come up and say, "Okay, I'm definitely feeling frustrated. I'm definitely feeling frazzled." Noticing it alone can really ratchet it down and calm it down. Then just remind yourself that this will pass. I know it's cliché, but it will. It will pass. The more quickly it will pass, well, it will pass more quickly the sooner that you can calm down, ironically.
All right. Next, since she's being very resistant overall and pooping her pants, all signs are pointing to this. Your girl is begging you for full independence with this process. You might be clueless about which parts she's missing, but she definitely wants full independence and she does not want you to be involved anymore. A potty pause, which I covered in episode 23 on this podcast, is usually a sign that the child wants to own this process, which is innately hers. It belongs to her anyway. If she were living somewhere in the world where children run around scantily clad and upon crawling can completely take themselves to the bathroom spot solo, then she would not need your help at all. Once she began walking she certainly would not have needed help. Now she's seen a bit of the world and she's frankly over it. She wants to be solo, done, like yesterday.
The best way to address this at anywhere after 16 months or so is with a potty training experience. I know, you've just done EC her whole life, why would you want to do potty training? I'll explain. For the potty training experience, you will want to grab a copy of my book for 18 months and over, The Tiny Potty Training Book, which I will link to in the show notes at godiaperfree.com/37. Everybody listening, even if you've done EC before, which you have Kate, you will read the book, including the pep talk which you can download from my site for free to get a taste of what's forthcoming. You will read the book and schedule your experience.
For you, do it as though you've never done EC before. This will fill in all the blanks for her and provide a great deal of repetition and modeling that before, when we were doing EC we tried to get everything in the potty, we tried, and now that we are potty training our new goal is that everything does go into the potty. The entire potty training plan in my book will show you how to do that, because most people who are doing potty training have no idea what they're doing. So definitely rely on that.
Now, I know, I know. After doing EC all this time you may not want to have to potty train. But look at it this way, it is an opportunity to send a very clear message to your little girl and to give her all the instructions she needs, all the tools to do it 100% herself. This is a gift that you're giving your daughter, this way of wrapping it up. For anyone else going through a potty pause around this age, 16 to 20 months, or just wanting to be done with EC already at any age above probably around 14 or 15 months, definitely do a potty training experience if you're feeling it. It works every time with these potty pauses, and it works in ways that are usually hidden to the naked eye. No pun intended, naked eye.
All right, so Kate, that is your prescription and that is what I'd recommend to anyone at this age. If you are sitting at nine to fourteen months, I'd send you over to my Potty Pause mini course, which helps folks out of potty pauses without moving into the potty training arena or wrapping it up. It's for the slightly younger crowd. I'll link to that in my show notes for those who need it as well. And hey, having done EC this whole time, Kate, has given you and your child so much. So it was not a waste of time and I would encourage you to really remember that. What you've done is not for nothing. It has set the stage.
Pauses are often a normal developmental step toward full independence and really they're a great sign that full independence is right around the corner. Your trip was absolutely the reason for regression, whether because you were exhausted from having gone on it and not on it as much now that you're home, or because your baby's schedule and environment had been different, or both. No worries as to why the vacation impacted things, let's just get you both all squared away.
Thanks again for your question, Kate. We really hope to hear how it's progressed since you sent it to me. Just for sending it in, Kate, I'd like to give you a free copy of my book, The Tiny Potty Training Book. We'll be sending you an email shortly. I just feel like it will help you guys so much in wrapping it up, so I hope you enjoy it. Again, you can check out the show notes for this episode at godiaperfree.com/37 for the transcript and any links I've mentioned. If you would like to submit your question for me to possibly answer on the show, you can do so at godiaperfree.com/askandrea.
As I promised in the beginning of today's show, here's another track by Aly Halpert & Friends on their new album, I, which you can find and purchase your own copy of over at godiaperfree.com/nipple. This one is called “You Can Still Cry,” because what Kate and all of you in potty pauses are going through right now, well, you'll see. Please subscribe to this podcast to be notified of future episodes and leave a review. Believe it or not, your review will help more parents find EC because it will increase the rankings of this show and allow it to be visible. So, leave one.
Now for the music. Enjoy, and I'll see you next week on the Go Diaper Free Podcast at godiaperfree.com. I am your host, Andrea Olson, and I'll see you then.
I didn’t know babies can go through potty pauses. My baby is 9 months and we’ve been doing EC part time although I’m transitioning to doing it full time. I didn’t know this could happen. It’s great to know ahead of time so that I don’t panic if it does occur. Thanks for the great info!
And your insight in that potty training is providing independence re-enforces my thoughts on the difference between potty training and EC. EC is about training ourselves and potty training is about training the baby.
Hi Nicole! It really does help to know it can happen and that there are ways to work through it. xx Andrea
I also thought I never needed to do potty training since I did EC with my son from when he was 3months old. But turns out potty training was that extra push to wrap up EC with him after many frustrating potty pauses. That need for independence Andrea mentions is so real. The first time my son completed the whole process from start to finish all by himself, he did a victory run all around the house!
Hi Liza! That is so adorable! He must have been so proud. And you are right, sometimes it does take that extra push to wrap up. I am so glad it helped you and your son. xx Andrea
My two-and-a-half year old had a major potty regression over Christmas break when we spent a week at Granny’s. Things went from unfamiliar to awful when my father-in-law died unexpectedly, which resulted in us spending another week there, on and off. She was wetting her pants all the time. I was completely speechless when I found her walking around with poop in her underwear for the first time in a year.
I couldn’t focus on the potty regression until after the funeral, but once home, I realized more was going on- frequent, foul urination. She had a UTI.
Hang with me here because I’d never heard of this! The doc showed me that her menora (small lips of the vagina) had grown together, almost covering the urethra completely, which prevented her from eliminating completely and allowed bacteria to build up. He said he sees this all the time. Around 2 years of age, little girls have a major drop in estrogen, which often results in the menora coming together. So the solution was simply to apply estrogen cream until it opened back up.
Talk about a crazy potty regression storm!!
Hi Cindy! I am so sorry for your loss. It definitely sounds like there was a lot going on to cause your daughter’s regression. UTI’s are quite often the cause when kids suddenly begin having frequent misses. I have heard of the adhesion problem that can happen to girls. I am so glad that you were able to figure out what was causing the problem and get everything back on track. xx Andrea
Hey there, I have been using all of your resources like crazy. I have one problem. Poops.
This girl will be walking and poop without breaking stride. I am partially proud she has a great diet that gives her easy poops, but I am at a total loss because there is never a warning, I had tried to catch her and potty her after big meals (she poos 2 a day) but she will not go on the reducer or mini potty even if I leave her in the room with privacy. She is not really a stealth pooper, she does not hide, she just has a talent for pooping in the middle of any activity without ever breaking rhythm.
She pees just fine every time, even brings us to the bathroom when she needs to go. But poops are a complete fail to catch on my part. Any suggestions are welcome.
She is 15 months by the way**
Hi Coco! Have you tried having her help clean up? Not as punishment, but taking responsibility. Have her do as much as she can with help. Point out how much longer it takes than to just use the potty. You can also change up how she is dressed to see if that helps. If she’s in undies/trainers try commando. xx Andrea
Hey Andrea,
I do make her come to the potty and we talk about poo poos and how they go in the potty and we take her panties off (we are in your tiny undies), I let her see the poo poo, we put the poops in the potty & tell them bye. We also put our undies on the sink so they can be cleaned & go through the process of wipee bath & new undies, then she goes to her activities as before. I was curious if it was the undies, I will try commando again for a little while, do you have a time frame? “No longer than a week” “no less than 3 days”?
I think your instincts are spot on to try commando for a while. I would have her commando for 2-4 weeks if you have ditched diapers recently. Sometimes undies feel similar to a diaper and kids just go without thinking. It takes a little while for that trigger to go away. xx Andrea
We had a difficult time with our son after I became pregnant with our second (about a year ago now).. I was constantly vomiting (hyperemesis gravidarum) and even was admitted to hospital. This was very hard for A, 18 month’s at the time. He had been signing potty to me every time for while before.
At first he would be signing potty all the time to get me up (even when he didn’t need it). He also stated having so many misses. My mum told me to put in back in nappies (diapers), but I refused as he’d been out of them since 12 months old.
I stopped worrying too much about wee misses but tried to get him to always sit in the potty while I read a couple of stories after waking and eating. So we generally caught most poos.
When after a few of months and I found a combination of meds that worked for me I was much less sick so things were mostly back to normal for A. His pottying improved a lot but he’d still have many misses if we went away for a weekend or something. I tried not to worry but kept up communication. Just before the baby was born he wasn’t having any accidents for about a month. Then after she was born we had another potty regression for about 2 and a half months. But not a bad as before! Now baby is 4.5 months old and A is 2.5 years old and I think were he’s actually done now!
PS. Been doing EC with baby since birth, and all is going well :)
Hi Lucy! I’m sorry you were so ill during your pregnancy, that must have been difficult. It sounds like you did a fantastic job of working through the regressions. Congratulations on officially wrapping up! xx Andrea
Wow, I would not have associated potty pauses with a desire for independence concerning toileting. That perspective prevents the instinctual response of everything we did has gone to waste and shifts the perspective to more of a motivation to persist and encourage kiddo to do what she wants to do! Makes me say “hi sweet girl, I hear you let’s do this!“ Attitude changes as you have said before inspires an attitude change in kiddo too.
Hi Neeta! It does seem odd, but it really is a sign they want independence. You are so right, an attitude shift can make such a huge difference in the process. Instead of being frustrated, you work with the child to guide them to independence. xx Andrea
After nearly 6 months of never pooping in his pants, I went back to work and my, then 19 month old, started going to Nanas during the day. Fast forward 2.5 months and my 21 month old has started pooping his pants almost every day. Since the “life transition” happened a few months ago I’m having a hard time accepting it as a regression because of that. I have no idea what else it could be and it’s been very upsetting to me. Could it be linked to the change 2 months ago or is there something else for me to consider? Thank you!!
Oops, I meant to add to my comment above that most of the regression related solutions point to having at least a several day stretch at home with my son, getting things back on course. But since I’m back at work I have no choice but to send him to Nanas during the day, so I need a solution that will work with him being away from me for 8ish hours every day. I hope someone can help! Thank you!
My son is 20 mo and we’ve been potty training for about 2 weeks and overall it has gone very well (unlike our attempt at 14 mo which was great for 2 days and then a miserable failure). He signals and then can wait until we get to a toilet to pee, even on outings and I am thrilled! The only real issue is poop. He is a once a day pooper, usually midmorning. He’s never had an issue with constipation or in the past with pooping in his diaper, he would just indicate that he wanted to be changed after. Since potty training he is super freaked out by pooping. Even when he and we know he needs to go it seems like it doesn’t matter how long we sit on either the toilet or potty, he doesn’t go, even when given privacy. Then he’ll go to play and will look at me, start pooping and screaming and it always comes out so fast none of it gets in the toilet . He gets so scared and upset by pooping in his pants and even more so when it gets on him by taking off the pants. I have tried the advise for more privacy, but it didn’t help and I don’t really think that’s the issue. We’ve tried everything from books, play dough explanations, having him watch us poop on the toilet (super weird but we’re desperate!). I’ve been calm and matter of fact and had him help clean up. When we did some potty training at 14 mo he pooped in the toilet then with almost no issue until everything went off the rails at once, so I know he’s capable. I even tried once last week putting him in a diaper just in the bathroom at poop time with on the suggestion that he go poop in it in there and then you slowly cut a larger and larger hole out of the bottom but I didn’t get him to go in there that first time, I think because he wouldn’t relax. PLEASE HELP!!!! Any advice is appreciated! Thank you