“Help! We have complete resistance!” (part 2)

EPISODE 212: Complete Resistance Part 2

Hey, there. Welcome to the Go Diaper Free podcast. I'm Andrea Olson, your host, author, and mom of five babies, all ECed from birth, all out of diapers by walking.

Hey, everybody. So excited to have you guys back again today. This is Andrea Olson and this is episode 212. You can find all the show notes, including everything I've linked to in today's episode, over at godiaperfree.com/212. Today, we're going to continue what we were talking about a couple weeks ago, Help! We have complete resistance, part two. Hopefully you enjoy this today. I know that a lot of people experience resistance at certain parts of the EC journey. This is just part of it, so don't you worry. We are going to figure that out in today's call by helping two people out. We've got Agne in the UK, and we've got Julia in Kansas City. They both have 18 month olds. Let's dive right in.

The first thing I want to do is play for you Agne's recording where she shares to us what her problem is. Let's do that now.

“Hi. Andrea. My name is Agne. I live in the UK, and I have an 18 month old little girl. We've been doing EC from birth. We've been very proud of our journey. She's been doing very well up until she learned how to walk about half a year ago, and then she just became completely uninterested in going to the bathroom. We've been using one of those toddler seats on the toilet. Granted, we thought, "Oh, maybe it's because she can't get up there herself." So, then we bought her steps. She has one of those mini potties as well that she doesn't use. She puts her teddies on it though, but herself, she will not ... She'll sit on it, but she has never done anything in it.

Yeah, something's just come about where she just won't go into the toilet anymore. If I say, "Do you want to go to the bathroom?" She just screams, "No." If I don't ask her and just take her when I think she needs to go, she screams, "No," and then will just do a wee on the floor three minutes later. I know she's probably testing our boundaries, but I feel like we've tried everything. In the past six months, we've tried giving her a break from it, not pushing it. Trying to give her privacy or making a fun song and dance about it. Reading books on the toilet, which sometimes I'd say maybe once a week that's still ... I can convince her to go on the toilet if I say, "Do you want to read this book?" But it's rare that she will actually do something on the toilet. I think because she's very good at holding her wee for a long time. So yeah, I don't necessarily know exactly when she does need to go, but she's just too busy ... she just does not have any time to go to the toilet anymore.

I just feel so defeated by the whole process because I feel like we were doing so well. Now I see moms around me who had never even heard of EC before. They're already starting to potty train their kids and we're just moving in the opposite direction, I feel. So yeah, I could really use some help, some advice. I've got potty training pants and we use cloth nappies. But to be honest, it seems like she's just not fussed about walking around with a wet nappy or wet pants. She just doesn't want me to change her at all. It's like she's being exorcized if I come near her to change her nappy. Obviously, we still do. For the majority of the summer, she has been running around buck naked because it's just been so warm and she's just preferred it. I know that you say in your book to not let them get in the habit of weeing on the floor, so I know we've been doing bad there. Yeah, need some help. I'm going to stop dabbling now. Thanks very much. Bye.”

Oh, Agne, I feel so, so deeply for you. I know that it is hard right now. You see everybody else going in the other direction and you feel like you've totally royally screwed up. Julia has a similar story and we'll play hers here in a second. But I just want everybody listening to know if you're going through something like this, there are things you can do about it. You do not need to be stuck in this rut forever. There are solutions. I'm going to give you a couple right now.

First of all, we are not doing naked time outside unless there is a potty and there is a movement to the potty every single time. I don't care if you've ever done EC or potty training, or whatever stage you're in, or whatever method of mine you're using, across the board, if they're naked and they're taking themselves and going in a potty inside or outside, then it's fine. If they're naked and they're weeing on the floor, it is not fine. You're right. I also hear the desperation in your voice. I get it, you literally cannot find anything else that works right now, so I understand.

The other thing I want to say, besides normalizing it is, if you have cloth nappies, you guys, those are diapers, in case you're not in the UK or Australia, you are actually thwarting the process by having her in diapers at 18 months old. I know it feels impossible, "What am I supposed to do? She just pees everywhere and she doesn't mind being wet." Well, she doesn't mind being wet because she's using the diaper as a tool, which is what it was invented ... not invented for, and that it's turned into, this full-time toilet. And now, when a child starts to use it as a full-time toilet, that means the indoctrination into using a diaper as a toilet is complete. So, it will take a little bit of effort to get her out of them, now that she's used to them.

Typically, I like to see kids out of diapers, if they're doing EC, by 12 to 14 months during the daytime. Even though it feels counterintuitive, and you're like, "Oh, my gosh, this hasn't been working since she was walking six months ago," which was 12 months old. That was actually the marker that said, "Hey, stop using the diapers right now." I know it didn't sound like that, and I know you didn't ask me at that time. I wish I would've gotten to you at that time. Anyway, for anybody listening who's having some resistance at walking, it's because you need to wrap it up, and that's that.

Okay. So, Agne, what I want you to do is do the potty training experience as if you've never done EC before. You can get my book at godiaperfree.com/pt, potty training book, PT book. I want you to do that as if you've never done EC at all. You already have the training pants, but I actually don't want you to use them. I want you to go commando after you've done the training, fully, as it states in the book. Or I want you to go into tiny undies. Do not do trainers, because this child is going to use those as a tool, too.

Now, if she doesn't want to get changed at all, we are going to give this child the reins. What comes with my potty training book is a video series, we trained my daughter Isadora when she was three years old, teaching your child how to do various parts of the process. This is during non-potty time. This comes with my book at the moment. I may or may not in the future, but it does right now. It is definitely helpful. Thousands of parents have said that it's been very helpful for their child to get this info from another child. If there's another child in your neighborhood, then have them show your child had to go on the potty.

Okay, so we're going to do the entire potty training experience as if we've done no EC at all. I want you to know that there was a deeper reason for you guys doing EC, so there's no fault, no blame. Just do the potty training. No shame. With the potty training comes no more diapers during the daytime ever. I just want you to remember, "Let it go." Count your blessings on what EC was good for so far, and, I want you to stop using diapers and change direction immediately.

So far, she's been the boss until she started walking six months ago. You need to take back the reins because you definitely don't want your teenager to be the boss of such things that you might not agree with her doing. This is a good chance to establish boundaries and discipline, at an early age, in a nice way. I realize that you've done everything, the reset, not pushing, privacy, fun, books, everything. The thing is just stick to just the method, stick to it perfectly, and that's all. I want you ... if she tries to get up off the mini potty, you're trying to do the training, you're going to use a big toilet with a seat reducer. Work with my coaches, that come with the book, in our private forum and you can get help there as well.

Now, let's go over to Julia's question as well. She's also got an 18 month old. Here it goes.

“Hi, Andrea. My name is Julia. I live in Kansas City. I have one daughter, she just turned 18 months old, and I have another baby girl on the way. I've been doing EC with my daughter from birth. Really, at first, part-time, and now much more full-time, as I would like to get her out of diapers completely before baby girl number two arrives in January.

The biggest hurdle I face right now in the past month or so is a complete resistance to toileting. When I offer the toilet to my daughter, whether it's upon waking, or before or after a meal, or before we leave the house, I am quickly met with a no. If I try to physically put my daughter on the toilet, I'm usually met with a stiff bodied toddler that says no again. So, I'm not quite sure what to do with this newfound toddler independence in toileting. I don't want to force her to use the toilet because I don't want to create more resistance, but I also want her to relieve herself when needed and not hold anything in. So, what can I do? I greatly appreciate your help and look forward to hearing from you.”
Okay. There's another one, resistance. "Help, what do we do?" Her child cries and hates it. What happened? We're also at 18 months and we're still in diapers. This is where we are too nice as moms and dads. We really are. We get to be, it's kind, yet firm. It's not being mean. It's not being pushy. It's not trying to get our kids to do something they don't want to do. What we are doing, when we teach them that there is no other option, is we are setting a boundary, which is a very healthy thing to model and do in our lives. Of course, you don't want to pressure her, I totally get it. You're also pregnant, so you've got a timeframe you're dealing with here.

If I were you six months ago, I would've taken your little girl out of diapers at that time. I know it's easier said than done, da da da. But I've had five kids, I'm on my number six pregnancy right now, and I will tell you, the times when I didn't, it backfired, which was once with Cooper. I waited until 17 months with him. He got lazy and it was very hard. The times when I did it, 12 months, nine months, I did not feel ready. And it worked every single time with all different temperament children. The hundreds of thousands of people I've helped all over the world, too, will tell you it also works, but you really have to be brave.

Okay, here's what we're going to do. We are not asking if she needs to go anymore and we are not physically putting her on the toilet anymore. We are going to also do the potty training experience per my book, the Tiny Potty training book, which I'll link to in the show notes, godiaperfree.com/212. Do the potty training experience from beginning to end.

There is something missing here and it probably has a lot to do with your way of being. This is nothing of a parenting flaw whatsoever, Julia. You are doing a great job. You're a gentle parent. You're wonderful. Awesome. And great, and wonderful. I just cannot tell you enough how amazed I am that you've done as much as you have so far. And, with your first, like all moms, we usually are a little bit afraid that we're going to mess them up by being too firm with this. No, if you couldn't buy another diaper, what would you do? You would become very firm. You would not become mean, but you would be like, "Nope, sorry. There's no other option. This is what we're doing now."

We are going to take advantage of this wonderful newfound toddler independence. Guys, this is why I always stress, take your baby out of diapers during the daytime. Even if they go to daycare, just while you have them at home with you. During the daytime, awake time, at-home time, you are not using diapers from the time they're walking. The reason is you get this "no, no, no" phase. It sometimes starts earlier with some children. One of mine started at 16 months. Just really asserting his independence, which is awesome and we want that. But this is why the Montessori sensitive period for toileting was 12 to 18 months, has always been 12 to 18 months, because there's this time period in here when it is developmentally appropriate to use the toilet independently. Then we get into the "no" phase of really asserting one's newfound identity and independence. There is nothing you can do to teach the very, very willful child to do what you want them to do.

All right. We don't want to create more resistance, I agree. But we do want her to relieve herself when needed and not hold anything in. I totally agree. We're going to do the potty training experience. We're going to utilize the coaches on the private support forum, if and when needed, and we're going to do that starting today. If you guys didn't know, my books all come with a digital format. You can get that and the audio book format usually packaged with the books right away. It really just depends on when and where you find me. But I really want to encourage you, Julia, and Agne as well, to do the potty training experience to wrap up EC.

I do have a podcast on wrapping up EC with potty training. Okay, episode 194, godiaperfree.com/194 is wrapping up two kids at once, not twins, with potty training. And then, well, where is the other one? I guess it's a blog post. Sorry. There is a blog post that is called, basically, you are wrapping up EC with potty training. I'll find it and I'll link to it in the show notes, but, "Is it okay?" Like, "I feel totally guilty. Am I okay here in doing this?" Yes, you are okay. You are actually really smart and resourceful for doing this.

But, "What's the pressure, Andrea? Well, why? I really don't want to ... I don't want to create more resistance. I'm really afraid." You're really afraid of what this child's going to react with. Well, guess what? You can wait. You can absolutely wait until your child's three or four years old and just trains him or herself, but is that going to accomplish the goals and values that you have for your family right now? If it does, and this is not as an important fight as you thought it once was, then just potty train or let her potty train herself later. It might be five years old by the time that happens, and that's okay. You have permission to do that. This is your child, you literally do whatever you want. But what I want to say is sometimes the hard thing is the right thing to do. In this case, there is a solution. I hope you guys both take advantage of that today.

All right, you guys. I want to know, over in the show notes, godiaperfree.com/212, what you have had experience with this. If you have any advice for Agne or Julia, if you've taken my advice and wrapped up EC with potty training and you want to encourage these mamas, or if you have questions, whatever, those kinds of things, you can write them in the comments over at the blog posts and we will be sure to answer right away. I really hope that this has helped some of you guys today. This is the end of our little mini series about complete resistance.

We are going to have a guest podcast host, one of my coaches that I've trained, has been with me for years and years. Nicole is going to be contributing on future podcasts. I will be back with some interviews as well, soon. I hope you enjoy. I hope you really love Nicole as much as I do. I will see you guys in the next episode where I will be here, or Nicole will see you as well. Welcome to that transition. I will see you soon. I cannot wait. I also can't wait to hear that you've overcome resistance with today's methods. Please write us. DM us on Instagram anytime @godiaperfree I would love to hear your success stories. You guys take care.

Thanks so much for listening. This is the Go Diaper Free podcast at godiaperfree.com. We'll see you next time